Sinful

The other day, my friend and I took a little break at work. We wanted to pamper ourselves with dollops of ice cream. And it had been a while since I last ate some. I was starved of ice creams. And so was my friend. And this only increased our cravings for the sweet treat.So we hurried down the staircase to our cafeteria. And once at the ice cream counter, we were browsing through the flavors on display. After placing our orders and grabbing our cupfuls, we took our places and started our delicious promenade down the road to bliss with a panoramic view of a zillion flavors. And halfway past our own ice creams, we decided to taste the one owned by the other. Just as I was trying to enjoy the flavors in my friend's ice cream, she told me her opinion about mine - "My, it's so totally sinful".

And now, this incident set a train of thought running in my mind. And, as expected, it was about the recent turn of events, about my self, about how I saw the situations and how I wish to go about them. And here's the story.

There are too many sides to me, so many that even I have many to explore yet. I know people see me as a loony persona, but truth is, frankly, I don't care what they actually think of me. And though I may be a lot of things, a few words that best describe me are lonely, bitchy, scathed and scathing, I am not just that. Like everyone else around me, I got my set of faults, some of which I take in my stride and some of which I complain about and some of which I really yearn to change. To genuinely be my usual self does not take much effort. But I feel I need to change some stuff so I can better in those areas in which I feel I need to improve. Like the two sides of a coin, there are two ways to this - either to change my ways and get on with it or to change my perspective of things and get on with it. Either ways, it spells change, only that the latter is easier than the former and I believe it could leave a lasting impact on me. Who knows, I might retrospect again and find I need a new perspective again, and once I change anew, I might land in the same old place on the cycle again. In which event, I will most certainly be screwed. Now, this is a possible extreme thought, and hence, not to be considered.

Right now, I am an origami artist at work, where it concerns my relationships. I feel tired and a need for a whiff of freshness on that front. The answer to that, in origami, is to take my scissors and my papers, snip at them and cut some of them into beautiful masterpieces, after practising on a score of them. And of course, I will keep the masterpieces and discard the rest. And the untouched paper sheets will have their chance at the scissors soon, when the snipping and cutting will decide whether they will be in my bin or out of it. Also, I am looking very closely at my old pieces for any signs of wear. If there is, beyond repair, I would have no regrets when I discard those too. Well, it would never take much longer to make myself a new piece in the same fashion as the one I will be discarding - if not, why would I be the origami artist?

And among those I will keep will be the BFF I will ever value, all my life. Despite all his faults, he has so much in him that I simply adore. And despite him not being to me what I would like him to be, I do not mind, because he is merely being himself. And I love him that way.

And of those I wish to axe, will be one tall guy with supposedly stupid thoughts - like he could dupe me. To all such people, I have a lot to say - I may have a lot of love and attention to shower on so many others, but I have expectations on you too - I am not your mother to love you for free. There is some reciprocation everywhere and at any point in the relationship, which keeps it fuelled and running. The moment the fuel runs out and things come to a standstill, I will definitely feel I need to move on and I usually do. It is not entirely your fault, partly mine too, but the magic has become too trite and unexciting, so I have resorted to looking for it elsewhere.

Maybe the last bit made me sound like a total jerk, but that is exactly how I am. I need to be me, and that's what it takes for me to be me. I offer tons of love and all I expect back is a few grains of it. If you cannot give me back, I cannot give you any more.

Severe severing as it sounds, I need to make this clear. I am a Rolling Stone, I become tired of things way too early and I need a change very often. And perhaps that is why I never made any true friends. " A Rolling Stone gathers no moss" is the old adage, of which I am made example of. Bah! Like I even care!