Reflections

I take a look at myself in the mirror. I do not admire the way I look right now. I look at it to look at the way I looked ages ago, when I could have gone on a strut showing off my many looks. And it makes me wonder if I want to go back in time to those periods when I never endured loneliness or whether I would rather carry myself forward in life in a quest to conquer my loneliness.

It is a wonder how I even passed through my childhood. I was always with my nanny, at least till my 12th. And she was always telling me her dream of making me a 'Jilla Collector', a post she would have definitely wanted to see her son in. But then, she did not live to see the day I wrote my exams - she passed on just before my first exam in the school ending phase. And then, I felt bad that she would not live to see her dreams or mine come true. But then, how often have we never seen things we hope from our deepest insides to see, especially with someone who has been there with us since we were babes in the world, our eyes just open to the mask of the world?

Ever since I never felt an ounce of loneliness for a really long time. Till someone came along. He erased all my troubles from the checkered past. He gave me a shoulder to lean on, and a lot of emotional support. I gave him a little of that when he was in great need of it, and he returned the favour manifold, and he was selfless in not expecting much from me. I have a gut feeling that in those troubled days when I was being torn at from home, he kept me together in a piece, else I would have definitely torn into rags. And as expected, I became too steamy to have a hold on, too much to handle and too much for his size, so he had to decide for his self for now and he did - he chose to move on, after giving me the best days of my life.

That is when loneliness hit me like pangs of starvation. I could not be myself with anyone else soon after that. I was not able to gather myself on time for many stuff and I lost a lot of turf to people I would have definitely kept off my grounds. I was distraught. And that was when someone else took his turn to be the sun in my skies and my moon at night. He was quite well-known to me from earlier on, but he chose this time to shine in my life. And he was good at his game. All he wanted me to be was - not be a sulker, but someone who could save a friend from sulking, someone who could stand on his own feet and not feel lonely or bad about what someone else did to him. And beyond all that, a bigger person, someone he could confide his greatest troubles with and whom he could be a good listener to. And things improved from that point on, so much so that he could be really good to me and got close enough to being the Sun in my life - but I never felt his real worth was good enough to be just that to me. He was good - but not good enough. He had charm, but was not charming enough. He could not get me glowing, the way the Sun actually could. He stirred some stuff in me the same way as the Sun, he stirred a few stuff much better than the Sun did, but then, he could never make me feel like I was basking under him.

It has been many days since the ice has been broken. I guess I have to get on with life without the Sun, with what and whom I have, and with my self to change. The past has passed, and has rendered many things inconsequential. The present is at hand to make the future a better place for me. And all I have to do about it, is to grasp every opportunity that the present gives me, utilize it to the extent I possibly could, marvel at the result, and get on with life, to the next opportunity.