Possessed

I have a feeling that there is a person in me pulling at all my strings. It is not a very nice person, not someone I like. I have sensed a lot of bitterness on the person and I would do anything to get the person out of me. I simply do not know why other guy-guy relationships are like ships sailing on calm seas all the time, but the same cannot be the case with me. I feel things that people have pointed out as things I should not be feeling and there are things I feel not which I should be tender about. And I can never call someone my friend unless they have been around for a really long time and I have been 'ok' with them all the time. Of course there have been exceptions to that, but very few of that. I have been this way ever since I was a kid, I believe and I hope I change some of these things before I see the grave, if I ever do. And I see through the eyes of the person in me, not with my own, which is also the cause of many disturbances.

I mean, imagine yourself doing a lot of things quite in a flow and regretting the stuff you did later. Also, having two trains of thoughts running at the same time, more likely on a collision course with each other - let me tell you, is an explosive idea. It is tough to juggle between the two and pay adequate respect to the two, but then, when you know for certain that one is always right and the other is often so, and yet you do not know which one to choose for yourself, it is complete chaos. Imagine a mad bull in a delicate china shop. That is an understatement of what one would feel when faced with such a choice.

I love the way I am, most of the time. The turbulent times are caused by a switch in the train of thought, I am made to believe. One train is very calm, composed, does not pine for company and loves to care for people in a selfless manner. The other one, in contrast, needs a human companion to pamper me, is very excited about people and not other things of life, selfish and possessive about one person about whom it is totally attached to and cares not for the rest of the world.

Either way of being me is good enough, satiating in its own way and unsettling too, at times, also each in its own way. Point of the issue is, being either way feels like me for a while, but the feeling wears away in a while and I feel left behind, so I switch to my other perspective. And in the process, I am forced to leave people I know behind, and move on to new people. A reason I never make (made) any friends for life. Everyone had to move away in a different direction when I changed phases.

I simply am too much to handle for just about anyone that ever walked on Earth, especially in my life. With that in mind, I simply wish to understand and know, who on Earth could ever stand me to impact me enough to stay with me through all my highs and lows through two different trains of thought.