Pandemonium

There are several voices in my head. And a banshi under my skin.

I believe these are the two reasons I could possibly come up with for all the stupid, innocent, coldly calculated, wavering things that I do and say. I simply am not an individual with regular characteristics. I have a noir past and I have several skeletons in my cupboard.

I value many virtues - love, trust, loyalty, to name a few. As much as I expect people around me to be these things, I am honest when I say I will never be as good at these as they are, but will reciprocate, over time, the same feelings they shower me with, maybe to a greater degree. But as I progress on the road to the destination which is closeness, I have a tendency to lay a  claim on the person, which is that point at which the person in many ways 'belongs to me'. I simply do not know why I am like this, but this is the way I am. And at this point, for every frivolous misgiving, I throw a huge ruckus and expect to be pampered. Beyond a point, when things seem boring, I begin to lose interest in the person and finally, I move on. This makes me a not-so-good person, but then, I do not know how I came to be one. At all the steps in the way, I hear so many things in my head, some louder and totally crappy, the rest quieter yet very sensible. And that is when I forget my self and I go on to do things beside myself, in an almost drunken vigor. 

It is totally like I am so many people within my head, some so better than the rest. I have no clue as to why I am this way, but I was told by my best dude ever that everyone is permitted their own degree of madness, which may exhibit itself in some manifestation, sometimes seen, as in my case, and in many others, unseen. 

Despite the description of my self, the way I become when I am with someone I could like a lot is never always as destructive as I meant it out to be. There are several people whom I can name who have remained close to me for as long as I can remember. But then, I was never like this always.

I was always a loner, but I never felt lonely. I had means to keep my self thinking of bigger better things that kept me going. Something must have happened, I cannot recollect what, that made me crave for human company, for which I never had a flair for. Ever since, the voices in my head. And the bitchiness in me.

The banshi is how I am, I believe. And what I am outside, is just plain skin and looks, neither as good as can be. To sum it up - I am the banshi.