Amends

Peace is something we always long for but rarely have or keep, just because we have something coming up every time we are nearly there that simply robs that feeling from us. Peace also arises out of a feeling of security which we lose really quick and therefore, forfeit it more often than we get it.

One reason we stay glued to your sanity is because of our relationships, which keep us in shape through every hardship that comes our way. But when our relationships fail to keep us up through a rough patch and give way instead, we are thrown off from being the resilient people we could be and turn into sods of jelly that get squilged and helplessly moulded - broken souls that just go with the flow.

That said, it is all too important to value our relationships and to treat and keep them in accordance to our thoughts on them. There are many things to be remembered when we think of our relationships - they are fragile, more so than the people they are about. And they are based upon a number of things, some of which may be fake. There is a lot to be forgiven and a lot more remains to be forgotten. To remember that the past has happened and we are all moved on and that we cannot undo it however badly we would like to is also the means to keeping the wheels running smooth.

A relationship is a complex web that takes time to build and blossom before it starts getting complicated. It has an intrinsic intangible value and it continues to grow or turn shallow depending on how hard the participants in it work at it, put in it and are willing to stick it through when the other person in it is running thin. And lending a shoulder for the other when the other needs one is a priceless road(often less taken) that cements the bonds. And understanding the other's needs much better than one's own and ensuring they are met to a degree that would ensure a smooth going is also instrumental in getting to a better tomorrow.

Interventions are important too - they ensure the people in a relationship do not indulge in things that are detrimental to the morale or contrary to the moral values of the other person involved in it. But the lines must be drawn and issues should be made distinct from the person's natural image to keep the discussions light. We all have our misgivings and those which can be overcome need to be overcome or kept out of sight so things are light and easy. Forgiving or obscuring the unappealing sections is key to preventing a nasty spat too. And interventions are not always easy - they leave a bitter after-taste - they are like taking a pair of scissors and shaping the web forcibly, which will leave the web weak, sometimes to the point of breaking, but the trimming is good, in that it shapes the form of the relationship and teaches the participants what expectations are set on them and lets them find means and methods to accept, fulfill and build or reject and destroy pieces of the same. Interventions are not always pleasant on everyone involved in one. They tend to wear things thin, but leave a lot of room to grow thick again.

Two very difficult components of a relationship are time and circumstance. Time simply keeps running out and procrastination being an attribute every Tom, Dick and Harry will possess, it passes on beyond the point of no return in no time and therefore, much is purged and cannot be salvaged in time. Circumstances are beyond our control too, since we cannot work out what they bring with them and very often than not, they don't give us easy trouble. It takes a lot of mind work and co-operation to achieve that synchronized thought, but once there, nothing can come in the way. Time and circumstance also bring the events that will cement the relationship in their tide.

And last, keep up the loving. It costs nothing, but is priceless and its works are simply indescribable. Nothing brings people close as the loving. And the more there is, the merrier things are. When people take a break from each other and come back together, it is the loving that makes things of the past hazy and the future bright. And forgive and forget seem easy with the loving. Pride melts like butter on a heated knife with the loving, pulling all barriers down and baring the rawness within. And the rawness within is simply waiting for some loving. And that loving will awaken a new tomorrow, a day brighter than today. What more can a mortal wish for...

Identity

Identity - it's something we really need one to get by every single moment we live and love. Everybody needs one to get by through the day and through the times, thick and thin, jolly and sad, night and day. We thoroughly enjoy having it. We need it so bad, that when it is threatened a bit, we really freak out. As much as anyone needs it, I do too. Only that I did not have an independent identity, mine was shared with someone I really valued. He was a charm. He could make me feel good about myself. He could handle me, though not with finesse. He could make me feel wanted and had me hooked on him and had me thinking he needed me too. I liked spending time with him, and I thought he felt likewise with me. I love beaches. I think he loved taking me to those and spending time with me there. Anyone who knew one of us knew the other. And whenever people spoke with me, they asked me about him as well. It started out as two people talking to each other because they had nobody else to open up to. But it soon grew up from there. Not very long after, it turned into calls everyday to fill the other up on what one did or faced during the day. There was a lot of chiding and kidding and later, sharing secrets and trust set in. There was an agreement struck mutually - that one could call the other up for no reason and we could go on and on. I can only say that I valued this relationship a lot. I yearned to listen to his voice everyday. It kept me alive above life. And that made me feel so good. I really cared a lot about him - above the average amount I cared about anybody. I cared a lot. There is only one other person in my life about whom I have thought the world of, in comparison to what I thought here. Things took a spin when we graduated from college and joined the same company. That's when we started taking to each other a lot, more because we knew each other and did not have to hold back. And then, the cracks started to appear. I started feeling the trust was in jeopardy over time. It was a bad start and very rudely startling. The guy seemingly was very shallow and not the rooted rooting person I perceived him to be. It made me feel bad that I fell for someone's cheap tricks, and thinking about that made me feel worse. I simply could not see how I made friends with this person. He had some degree of madness too. He could only think of females and drool all over himself thinking about them. And he had his mind so filled with them that he would never think of anyone without boobies. To know him like that was revolting. He was simply not the person I knew. And it made me feel he was faking everything around me. For someone who could be reached by me at any time I pleased to, I had to know my boundaries whenever his best friend, a sailor, came home and so, in those times, I had to forgive the way he forgot me altogether, and completely failed to acknowledge me whenever I tried to reach out to him. And then came the times when he was moved to a different work spot, by which we completely lost the facility to see each other every day and so tried to make it during weekends. The distance had its way on us. We soon became immersed in things which interested (job for me, family for him) and we exchanged words everyday. But we were drifting and still trying hard to keep together. He had the girl distractions then too. And it is no secret that my respect for him was on the decline as well. Later on, irritation crept in. One of us could get easily pissed off when the other person was not around and we could turn to screaming and yelling at the other person. Things turned very bleak when for 3 months I had to hear from him that I was a crazy hoot every single day, every single time he called me. It really affected me. I began losing my identity at this point and was feeling very vulnerable. It put to doubt every single feeling I had for this one person who meant a real lot to me and had seen me at some point in the past through really heart-crumbling times. I was puzzled, hurt, vulnerable and weak. I did not know how to handle it since I always had someone to help me out anytime I was faced with something like this. I tried to put it at the very back of my mind by trying hard to stop talking to him and getting him out of my life, but he was always there right at the point where I thought we were done, wanting me back and for me to have him back in my life. And I yielded. It happened in cycles for some weeks, but one night, he revealed to me that he had been sending dirty texts to some people and I really felt it was the last straw. I saw red. I felt like I had been very badly misled. I also believed that I had brought this on myself since despite all the sourness we went through, I worked to pull things together. It became very apparent that I was keeping myself busy with a Sysiphean task that simply was not yielding anything. I had to make up my mind about it, stick to what I think and move on. And that's the point wherein I made up my own identity, distinct and all for myself, that I would not have to share with anyone else. So that with one such, I could keep myself together and not put myself through a lot.

Book-Readings

It happens once in a while, when some author of repute visits the city. His visit is typically to publicize his recent work and to get people to buy them. His itinerary is supported by some bookstore-chain and others gambling on sales and publicity gains from his visit and event management teams take a dip at the prospective visit. The itinerary is an object worthy of note. It is a jam-packed plan. The author would have to hop cities hundreds of kilometers apart on flights every single day (the longer he stays, more money will need to be spent-and that would load the businesses involved with heavy losses, considering the 5-star accommodation and amenities that need to be provided to him and also that air travel is cheaper than lodging). And the author will have little personal time at his disposition for him to run some of his errands, touring the cities and some shopping. Once the itinerary is finalized and the author agrees to the demanding travel plan (the man has no say in it - the plan is to get the ball rolling so the co-conspirators can get their pockets lined, and any small changes he suggests will be considered only after a lot of thought and heavy petting), things get in motion. The hotel suites are booked and confirmed. The flights are booked and confirmed. All the treasure hunters on this mission set to work, assigning people to each spot on the itinerary. The spot person has several priority tasks at hand - identifying overlooked items that will need to be fixed, filling the gaps at each location and setting up teams and educating them to suit the master of the house, getting placards, advertisement boards and sponsor advertisements in place, notifying the local press about the visit and placing advertisements on every available inch on the daily media. The tasks intensify in the run up to the actual visit and everyone is on their toes through to the actual day of visit. And then, the day comes. The author would reach the airport after enduring hours of brut tiresome international air travel. The retinue would receive his at the airport, fuss over him and move him to his hotel suite. Once he checks in, things turn very intense - everyone is waiting for him so they can get on with the thing. The moment the guy steps out of his shower, he is rushed through to the venue. The poor man would be driven through rush hour traffic of the evening, so he could experience the high-adrenaline city life (no wonder many of them prefer the countryside) and his worn-out body taken to the venue of his bookreading, where there could be countless people waiting for him with copies of his works they had bought at the store (assured leap in profits). The man is put to his first ordeal. He starts by greeting the crowd and narrating to them some well-rehearsed lines, among them some real-life incidents and some reel-life incidents. The story-telling is in no way related to the book (except for the mere reading of the synopsis on the back of the book or the mere mention of it being there). It is done in 15 minutes at the most and later, the audience is given the opportunity to belittle the man or throw him a laurel wreath at will. It proceeds with the silliest of questions put forward by savants participating in the gathering, the counts of which are acutely limited (time is a key factor - the writer needs to survive past that and endure the inevitable ordeal of signing books). As soon as the session comes close to an end, people line up and form serpentine queues and every individual walks to the author with a bright face, handful of books in hand (one is never an option. Sometimes, an entire collection and at others, multiple copies of the same book). To keep the smiles in place and the excitement in the environment intact, the man who barely finished his toilet toils through the books signing a fancy name below names and keeping people happy. That is the toughest part - like tightrope walking on a silk thread. Once all this is done, the author is taken back to his hotel, provided with supper (not much eaten out of weariness - bills saved thereby), promised a number of better arrangements for the next place on the itinerary and left to himself. All that said - where is the book-reading in all this? So, dad/dude reads the book and tells me the story - so what am I doing with the copy I got? Time was wasted in going to the venue, hearing the people talk, waiting in line to get the book signed (really, what do people think getting so many book when there are hundreds behind them) and travelling back. Why don't eBooks sellers get a handwriting software at their source and thereby eliminate the wait like? That way, the status you are updaing is the writing secton againste people and their personal message and thereby customize the entire thing - no need for any book reading sessions. Looks like we may have some room to do that. 3

Threat

Identity is something we work hard to gain, possibly, to lose in an uncertain split second. To build an identity, we have to take many things into account, including our commitment to something we integrate with our identity, people who are important to our identity either as people with whom we identify ourselves with or people who we are always out of any picture we are a part of. Identify gives us face value, without which we can feel really unrecognized or completely out of the world in a gathering.

People can complicate themselves when they do not pay attention to the invisible nets they cast for themselves and for people who form part of their identity when they do not pay attention to how carefully they are dealing with them. It is no secret that familiarity breeds contempt in the human mind. And that is why people can easily face situations where they find themselves one fine day in a really awkward situation - just because they walked into one of the nets they cast for others themselves.

Anything like that is like someone pulling the roof of his shelter on himself, becaues one's identity is completely jeopardized to the point where it is almost lost in situations like this. The person who complemented you in the picture you were in will all the time will very soon become a complete stranger and rob you of the identity you had. Or maybe, the both of you mutually agree to take a split and so, grow estranged wilfully. Or perhaps circumstances come your way that demand that you go your separate ways and however desparately hard you try to fix it, you simply drift apart, not wondering what you can ever do to get back to being the same and you fret and worry about it till the day whhen you make up your mind that you will have to accept whatever has happened since that is the way things were meant to end up, however badly you did not want it.

Also, you would feel equeally or more threatened if something you identify yourself with as a part of your identity, which is rightfuly not yours but you have contributed heavily to it so you can claim to something of that degree, is one day, requested to be shared with unwelcome folks. Like it was not bad enough that people are taking turns to beat you up, this should actually throw a brick at your head.

It is hard to keep your head above your shoulders in such going, but that is all you will need to get yourself through the rough period. And if you don't do it so - you are in for a tough time ahead. Now, isn't that all the reason you need to keep it nice light and simple?

Metamorphosis

These past few days, there has been wailing within me. The voice of my sorrowful heart filled me from inside, and occasionally, got a vent by way of my face and my actions. The tough stretch can do so much to you, you simply do not know where, how or what you will be in the next phase. All this uncertainty clouded my sight and my vision, and my much needed release eluded me.

This may not be news for some, but truth is - the solutions to all our questions and dilemmas are all within us, and the depths of our insides are simply fathomless. We seek for so many answers on the outside, which is as sensible as the blind leading the blind.

I have been a whining fool all these days. And it took me so long for realisation to snap things back in place for me - we are all misfits living in a world of misfits - no expectations, no disappointments. But it is hard for many like me to not expect, and we end up learning things the hard way, as unnecessary as it is.

I felt great disappointment and found the integrity of everyone around me questionable after an unfortunate event. Actually, I burst the bubble by snooping a phone, twice, and I thereby brought all of this on myself. So, in a way, I am to blame. But to know that it took me so long to realise all this is just embarrassing. And now that I have finally realised it, I feel a huge release.

The stages I went through till the realisation dawned on me, I narrate here. Initially, I felt crushed and I was unable to think about anything. I felt greatly hurt, and I kind of stagnated in all my thoughts and stopped doing anything. Then, I went on to a good deal of soul-searching and realised that I was feeling too much for someone who simply meant nothing to me. How gross does that sound! It is as true as it is. I simply got carried away with things and was expecting, and hence, I got disappointed. Now, because I had a lot of time, I began to whine. I could not bring the words out of my mouth to some people with whom I thought I could freely do so, and this made me look for alternate outlets for all that I wanted out of me. Much of it was in vain, so I had to learn to talk to myself to get me to see sense. After a while of doing so, I realised many things and hung desperately to them to pull myself out of the fix I was putting myself in. Then on, I was walking right on the line - I could be above the surface, breathing fine, or under it, drowning. It takes a while for a day to dawn when the mind enters an ethereal state and you can see things way too clearly - and on that day, you have several eye-openers.You can clearly see the paths before you and choose the one you need to take, and leave all the previous hurt and bitterness behind. And on such a day, I chose what and how I wanted to be and now, I am looking forward to another day to know if I made the right choice by putting my decisions to test.

Moving on, as simple as it sounds, is never that way, for people like me. To me, integrity is of paramount importance. If it comes under the scanner, I feel shredded and totally out of place, and I am like a derailed train - unable to move. It takes a while to put things back on track, and once that is done, I arise, a new 'ME', putting the past aside, and rushing on, lest the world catches up with me.

Solitude

I cannot say if this is felt by many - I feel it, and when I do, I find myself totally lost and struggling to get my bearings and move forward. It is not so loud a feeling, not something you could expect someone common to understand. When it strikes you, you will know how scary this could be. The feeling is something like this - You are in a familiar place where everyone around you is familiar and you are on pretty much good terms with everybody around you. You are there, and suddenly, you feel lonely, like you are in a totally strange place. That's when something grips your mind and you feel like you are lost without your bearings and you fight to get your bearings and your course back.

Of late, a lot of strange things have been taking over me. Living in the vicinity of your workplace is not all that advantageous when you have a wandering mind. And mine is playing pranks on me, way too much and very frequently. And this is pushing me to new peaks with my breakdowns. Though the honest fact is that there is no body reasonably sound enough to see me through to the other side, I am trying hard to get there with someone I hope is good enough. And this combination is not worrking really fine, and it shows, in my discontent and persistent depression.

I sometimes wonder if I am ever so lonely that I have to give myself company all the time simply because I am so pathetic. I tell myself I am way too good to be the friend of someone nearby. I am way too choosy, that is an indisputable fact. And because of this thought, I sometimes feel others feel the same way about me too, like they are too good to be my friend.

I have a bitchiness about me when it comes to some people. Now, there is no one totally deserving the bitchiness in my about me, and the same can make me feel bitter for ages, which I do not desire. But then, this particular aspect is making an appearance now and then and playing spoilsport to my sensibility. There is only one person who means something to me, and the bitchiness is spilling on him now. Now, that is not a good sign, and I can see bad history repeating. Damage control has to be put in place, before much else is done.

The mind has taken the heart too in this wake of events. And this has led to such immensely heavy pangs of loneliness in my heart that my heart feels darn heavy when there is a slight hint of my being lonely.

I did nothing to deserve this, the world has nothing against me either. Then why do I feel things the way I do? I think it is simply explained. I look at things that way. There is a need to change my perspective. I should learn to be a grown up - a boring, blunt person who knows precious little but what he does and stuff associated with that. And what if I don't do that? I will simply be left behind.

Dawn

I was having coffee with my colleagues when the most easygoing of them suddenly turned frigid and sensitive and began to act like a squid spilling ink. It was totally unexpected, and it was absolutely shocking. And that told me - I am not the only person prone to such sudden withdrawal symptoms.

My best dude and I were under the spell of a tough stretch. The cause - I felt his integrity was questionable. This was causing so much pain and strain, and coupled with the fact that he was having a pressing time with his work, he could not clear things up either. And finally, two days into silence, we broke ice. It was when that happened did I realise that I have stuff to tell him, some of which was way too sensitive and required way too much trust that he had to prove himself worthy to get it all.

Mood swings - are interred in my way of life. One moment, I am a sage, the next, I can be an ogre. I was never alone there either. My good friend also experiences such moments, though not as frequent as I.

I was born with a short fuse. At work, I realised that there are many people with shorter fuses than I, who got into severe fits of temper, some a lot worse than my worst. Hence, the bandwagon there is not a lonely one either.

I rely more on friends than on family - something that I hope will change. And many at work are on similar paths. I am not alone in that boat too.

All this brings into light the simple facts - Everyone has their set of emotions, some way too good or original, some mellowed and some, practically non-existent. Though no two people are entirely alike, two people can be alike in many aspects. And I am not the worst being on Earth, not yet. There is a long way to go to get to be that.