Shadows

Weekends - life seems to pass, one weekend at a time. And when 52 weekends are past, a new year arrives.

The joys associated with weekends seem to mellow out with every passing one. Earlier, weekends were the time when one would definitely go about the place - meeting buddies for lunch or treat, going places to see new things, shopping for a wardrobe or a new read, make plans for a birthday - there were plenty of things to do in the 2 days that come after 5 days of baking oneself on an executive seat staring into the depths of an LCD thin screen, weaving one's way through the tasks of the day. Rest was never the first thing on one's mind for the weekend.

But that aspect was set to change. The body, getting weary under the toils of the week, seems to lose a lot of its old self - including patience, resilience and a yearning to burn away the calories that would otherwise stack up on the body. The erosion of the strength is very similar to senility sinking in and makes one wonder if this is how getting old is.

Not to be left behind, the people in your life seem to have a bustling life they are thrilled about - of which you get to hear barely a whisper - people sleep with each other, get interested in someone else and leave someone behind to wallow, get married or have kids, lose a loved one or buy a new house. And the one place where you can see what is going on in someone's life is undoubtedly facebook - this place has ended up being the forum for one's thoughts and feelings ranging in variety from announcing a brand new purchase to a private thought with hidden messages intended for someone who may never glance at it.

Maturity is long forgotten and people tend to forget science and logical thinking. Casuistry and the ability to convince run the world today and there are 3 kinds of people - the people who conjure new logic and state it to the crowd. the people who base their logic on scientific foundations and anyone who would buy a logic that fits like a glove to their perspective on things and help them push their way down the depths of ignorance.

Truth is of no value today. Honesty goes out the window at this point. Everything runs on what people want to believe in or rather, on what the people with truth in their hands prefer to say. Nobody cares about taking a lot of truth to the grave to be silent on it forever. Nobody cares about whether or not they hurt someone's feelings by lying. Nobody would admit to doing wrong. Conscience is dead. Everyone does and says as they deem fit and do not care about the consequence of word nor deed. Nothing really matters. Everything is immaterial and makes very little sense. Everybody hears things, builds their beliefs on things and acts with things in their mind but the things are always baseless things with a strong sense of value attached to them.

The heart is merely an organ of the body and not a spring of emotion in poesy. People make room for nobody there anymore. Everyone is scared of breaking someone's heart but nobody cares about breaking trust. Trust is easily rebuilt - hurt, easily overcome, by choice. Though distrust mounts every time trust is broken and rebuild, the cracks on it don't seem to matter - better a bridge in repair to a known devil than a fine one to an unknown angel.

Friends are not people you can always rely on - they have their weaknesses - and for most, it is the person or thing the slightest sight of which causes a stirring in their groin. Nobody will stand by you. When you need someone the most. the most human touch you can get is from the pet you love. Humans are creatures that love to keep a distance from other humans with whom they tribed. And friends are also the people who stab you behind your back more often than you can blink your eye.

Money is something you will never see much of. Unless you bother to take some out of an ATM or a bank branch for handy expenses. People handle less money personally by the day, which is a good thing. A sore realization is that everyone on the planet is interested in your money. Nobody understands that what you earn and what you do with it is your business - these days, it simply is not. From the daily callers at the bank where you keep your savings account to the guys handing out flyers right in front of your office building, everyone is after your money.

Humor is very shallow. Nobody knows what it is today. Sarcasm is taken over what used to be humor. Satire is a will o' the wisp, cropping up here and there sometimes, but sarcasm is the rule of the day. Everyone is tired of it, but nobody will admit - unless they want to be made an example of.

Encouragement - is a diminutive expression these days.

Even with all the above said, I simply have to say - I am heavily blessed. I got a buddy like no other who lights me up with his selflessness and cares enough about me that I feel no discomfort or hurt when I know he is around. I know he is my friend and I know he is the bestest ever. He puts this grin on my face like I am a sunflower staring into sunshine, even when I am faced with affliction. And my, am I glad for it!

Indecision

There are those times in your life when you make up your mind that some specific people or things belong in a place different from where you kept them that day, week, month, season, year or decade. You may make up that someone needs to be attended to, someone needs less attending to, you need to get back in touch with someone, you have to burn some bridges, repair some and possibly build some as well.

Time - is an enigmatic, invisible, there yet fleeting companion. Time - works in a million different ways. Time - guards you from the past, exposes you in the present and makes you vulnerable to the future. Time - you cannot invest in it, since you cannot save some to put to use at a later time. Time - changes things, makes us realize we need to change, changes us. Time - worst enemy yet best buddy.

My bestest BFF ever had an opportunity to study at Singapore and he had to take it for various reasons. He chose to make a move, and I, ever wanting to be spending time with him, did just that, and in the process, missed out everyone else in my life and devoted every moment to him. I was always thinking about what my life would be like once he left and not for one moment did I prepare myself for the time after his departure.

It happened finally, on July 23 at about 2 am. We met the previous day, at about 7 pm, when it was twilight. I could see the sun's parting rays give way to gloom and him leave me till time knows when and we separated ways then. Around 10 pm, he texted me and asked me to fill his cellphone account for 50 bucks and he called me later at about 11 pm. He was firm in not wanting me to see him off at the airport and I was not willing to throw tantrums and so, I obliged. And when I was asleep, he flew.

From the next day on, it was a different scene altogether. The scenes I skipped when I was engrossed in the quality time I spent with him caught up with me. I was thrown back to the world from which I had taken a break, I was set to face it when I was not even ready to do so. I was vulnerable. I called up the frienemy who tossed me about or kept me close as he felt like treating me and I tried to gain some calm and ground. He was not feeling like chatting up, so I had to close that call and find me my way.

He did not keep the path gated and closed all the time. He did it as he pleased. It was his way with me. He could either feel like talking to me or closing me out. He could choose and feel superior and good about it. I was supposed to have no say to him and follow his intentions without so much as a murmur.

I could not stick to that routine, I am a person - I got my feelings and I needed to be heard. But who was out there to hear me out even when he was hearing me? No one. I did not have anyone in my life who could hear me out if not for him. At least, he would tell me something to think about and get past the now, but what if he did not choose to do that? I would be stuck in the now and ruin myself.

But it was too heavy a load to bear. You cannot put yourself at the mercy of a mechanism like this. It does not work this way. You need something reliable. This is a friendship of convenience - his convenience - and being part of it is ruin to me.

Making up my mind about this is not simple - there are times when he was the only person in my life that I could lean on so I could move forward. I cannot toss him out for what he did back then. But he tosses me around today, so am I justified in showing him the door and locking it behind him?

It's something I will never decide upon firmly, unless I have a solid reason to justify my stance on him.

Moments

There are so many ways in which events affect us through our life and thereby shape us into the people we will be. Some of them good, many of them rational and some others devastating. Everyone of us takes situations the way we think is best to tackle them to various consequences and we perform our analyses on them and reach our conclusions as to what course of action would have yielded favourable results.

It all started some months ago, on the evening of a Saturday following a Friday the 13th. An unfinished conversation - the last words told me on that day were "do what you will, don't ask me any more.". Not once but thrice. That day, my heart was laden heavy. I felt it would burst of the deceit. Yet some corner made a prevailing attempt to calm everything and succeeded in putting the body to rest.

The next day - late in the evening, there was a missed call on my phone. Not certain about how to deal with it, I just sent a text that I had been away and was ready to take a call then. No response. A little restless and uneasy about it, and not wanting to take a step at this stage since the issue was not really with what I had done, and conceding to a defeat this early would have been a really bad move, I reluctantly let it go.

A week passed. No communication from either side. I got back to my best BFF and he started engaging me on weekends. I came to terms with some unpleasant facts - like I had been so engrossed with someone who never shared the same tastes as me in anything we did, I had tried to do what someone wanted to do for himself and I had neglected myself - I had put someone else above me and by doing so, I had neglected myself. I had needlessly endured for what I had no gain and had struggled to have fun when indeed I had had none. I could not believe I had been a fool of this degree. This seemed a lot of stuff I had to deal with and I concluded that I was not going to let it happen again.

The following weekend, he had plans to visit colonial era places and I had a sudden plan to visit a college during their cultural festival. We went and did not exchange words during this time.

A month passed after that without so much as a whisper or a breath passed from one side to that other.


A fortnight before my birthday, a nice friend of mine called me on a Saturday and asked to gather at a beach - it sounded a nice idea, but the nice element vaporized the moment I heard he would be coming too. I did not want to go. I was asked to call up another friend who confirmed that he would be going and I had to say I would not be able to go because I had the haemorrhoids. I let it go. No words exchanged at this point. I came to know later that the call was for inviting the posse of friends to his brother's wedding. The wedding was on my birthday.

My birthday was coming up - and all my planning to do a visit to Kerala had drawn flak thus far. I was still wanting to do something exciting on that day.I was at a mall with my best BFF when he received a call and his class instructor on it told him that since he would not be able to make it the next day, his class would start 3 hours from that time. My best BFF hung up and then told me that he was free on my birthday. We started making plans and agreed that the next day was ideal for the Pondy trip we had been planning on doing for months. We agreed to have it done and then we travelled to the location of his class. From there, I went my way and later, the plan confirmed.

On my birthday, we went an hour behind in executing the plan, but we were good, since we really did not have much idea on what to do at Pondy. We went on to have a quick lunch and then, we went to a rocky beach. From there, we went on to have a blast that day (a memorable day of my life!).

We were going around the place when another BFF called me and told me that there had been a plan to make a call to me at midnight where he would have also been on conference such that all would speak and he would also have been able to break the ice. I was pleasantly caught by surprise - I would have never expected that gesture from him, after all the time and the way the talk had been when we had put a wedge between us. There was a moment then that made me feel special and good - he had remembered my birthday, had made up his mind to break the ice on my birthday and had even set things up. But my BFF who was to have initiated the call had slept it off at midnight and so, the troop had missed it. I felt great. But I really wanted to clarify that that had indeed happened - I needed someone to pinch and tell me it was real.

Later, my bestest BFF and I were on a bus back to Chennai when people who had missed to call during the day began to call me. I was on conference with many people and we were chatting up and talking through. Finally, he called - to break the ice. It was a heartmelting moment. I was so glad I was feeling all jumpy inside. He said he had a headache multiple times during the call but he kept on at it.


That was just one brief moment, one brought from re-union, that made us feel so nice and good inside. In that moment, the past had been forgotten, the events in the unshared timeline left buried under time, a resolve taken to ensure a slippage akin to this does not happen anytime and a feeling of being back home after a tiresome exploration that neither liked. All that was just in one brief moment - but whether the mended wares lasted till eternity is another story.

Alive!

It is a sad beginning to the new year. On the day after New Year, my mobile phone, dear to me, was stolen. It was taken a couple of hours before my departure from my hometown to my place of domicile and I worked through the paperwork to get my SIM card blocked and apply for a duplicate SIM card simultaneously so that I could take on my mobile number and still salvage the relationships maintained over my mobile phone. The number itself is a fragment of my identity and losing it is as severe on me as losing a limb. So, the task had to be done and immediately to prevent abuse of the lost device.

In the process of the work on the task at hand late in the day and too close to the departure, other activities missed the attention their needed, packing being on top of that list. And in the last minute hustle bustle, the first item on my must-have list did not make it into my luggage.

A delayed, disappointed departure from home on the backseat of my bro's bike, we had to shop for a mobile phone en route to the railway station and then proceed. I reached the station and boarded the train 10 minutes before departure, called up my parents on my alternate phone, checked if the duplicate SIM had been activated (which it had not) and proceeded to put back the alternate SIM card, set an alarm and attempted to sleep.

It was a slow period between that and falling asleep. I read a book as people around me ate and talked. Later, we arranged the berths and fell asleep. I was woken up by mice squeaking on my berth when I touched the essentials compartment of my knapsack to feel for the asthma medicine I am expected to have on me especially during travel. Sadly, they were not in there and that sent a jolt through my body. To console myself and keep composure, I told myself it would be all right.

Sadly, I was wrong. When the train reached Villupuram, I woke to find I had a slight wheezing. I made up my mind that I would get down at the next station if the situation took a turn for the worse or stay on till I reached the destination if I could handle things.

On reaching Chengalpet, I tried to make an effort to move - and I found it very hard to. I was gasping for breath and I was not able to take the tidal volume with any amount of ease. I freaked out and I felt doomed. I was not able to move much either and I felt I was getting myself into bad soup. At this point, getting off the train seemed a bad idea since I would be getting myself into uncharted territory and so, I made up my mind to get to Tambaram, my destination. In my fear, I wanted to let the world know what had happened to me in case I died - I sent a text to my BFF that I was having an asthma attack and that it was turning severe.

The train pulled out of Chengalpet. I got out of my full-sleeved t-shirt and put on a more comfortable t-shirt. Then, I opened the window to give myself a whiff of air and tried really hard to soothe myself. I began to pray desparately, for dear life since I really felt I was walking treacherously close to death and that I could possibly die in the event I did not get help in time. I was really doing all I could from waking everyone around me and asking them if they carried medicine for my condition.

The ordeal endured for 40 minutes. Once the train pulled in at Tambaram I mustered all my strength and lugged myself off the train. Then I walked on the platform towards the stairs. Once I reached them, it dawned on me that I would have a tough time climbing them. Finding no way out, I decided to take the climb and I began it. It was really agonizing. There were moments I felt I would rather pass out and die than climb the stairs, but I tried hard to focus on the landing at the top of the stairs and reached it after much effort. I was breathless. I could not breathe well at all. I managed to walk to a quiet place on the landing, dropped my luggage and bent over, panting, trying really hard to catch my breath. I stood there, bent over, panting for 10 minutes and I decided to take an Auto-Rickshaw to my place, even if the guy were to charge me Rs 300 for the trip.

Once I reached the bottom of the flight of stairs I quickly walked to the auto-stand and asked a driver to take me to my place with a stoppage at a pharmacy on the way. He quickly pulled up another guy who quickly informed me that it would cost me Rs 300 for the trip. I agreed with haste and I got in my ride.

The guy started the engines and we were on the road shortly. He checked with me if there was any room to omit the pharmacy part and when I told him it was not possible at all, he tried to reason with me that nobody opened shop at 5 15 in the morning. I told him my troubles and he instantly agreed to check at pharmacies in hospitals. I reminded him that my standing was so bad he had better accompany me to prevent any untoward incidents. He agreed with me.

We took a detour and reached a hospital and rushed inside. A sweeper on our way told us the pharmacy was open and the driver called out to the nurse and woke her. She asked me what I wanted and I said "Ventorlin" and she said they did not stock it. I asked for "Asthalin" and she gave me the inhaler. I immediately paid her and walked towards the exit. The driver caught up with me and asked me to use the inhaler. I quickly tore through the packaging and took out the elixir in my hands - I was gasping terribly at that point - and I took a shot from the inhaler. It was a short but long instant before I came back to my senses again. And soon, I was normal again.

The thought that I had been helpless for many moments before a stranger took an effort to find me medicine that restored me is cast on my mind now. I wonder what I would have done had things gone worse. I really cannot imagine how things would have followed had I passed out on that staircase. I am not sure if I will be alive to say 'hi' to everyone around me. All I am, I am grateful for it and all I did, I have no regrets about it - in the end, only that matters.