Metamorphosis

These past few days, there has been wailing within me. The voice of my sorrowful heart filled me from inside, and occasionally, got a vent by way of my face and my actions. The tough stretch can do so much to you, you simply do not know where, how or what you will be in the next phase. All this uncertainty clouded my sight and my vision, and my much needed release eluded me.

This may not be news for some, but truth is - the solutions to all our questions and dilemmas are all within us, and the depths of our insides are simply fathomless. We seek for so many answers on the outside, which is as sensible as the blind leading the blind.

I have been a whining fool all these days. And it took me so long for realisation to snap things back in place for me - we are all misfits living in a world of misfits - no expectations, no disappointments. But it is hard for many like me to not expect, and we end up learning things the hard way, as unnecessary as it is.

I felt great disappointment and found the integrity of everyone around me questionable after an unfortunate event. Actually, I burst the bubble by snooping a phone, twice, and I thereby brought all of this on myself. So, in a way, I am to blame. But to know that it took me so long to realise all this is just embarrassing. And now that I have finally realised it, I feel a huge release.

The stages I went through till the realisation dawned on me, I narrate here. Initially, I felt crushed and I was unable to think about anything. I felt greatly hurt, and I kind of stagnated in all my thoughts and stopped doing anything. Then, I went on to a good deal of soul-searching and realised that I was feeling too much for someone who simply meant nothing to me. How gross does that sound! It is as true as it is. I simply got carried away with things and was expecting, and hence, I got disappointed. Now, because I had a lot of time, I began to whine. I could not bring the words out of my mouth to some people with whom I thought I could freely do so, and this made me look for alternate outlets for all that I wanted out of me. Much of it was in vain, so I had to learn to talk to myself to get me to see sense. After a while of doing so, I realised many things and hung desperately to them to pull myself out of the fix I was putting myself in. Then on, I was walking right on the line - I could be above the surface, breathing fine, or under it, drowning. It takes a while for a day to dawn when the mind enters an ethereal state and you can see things way too clearly - and on that day, you have several eye-openers.You can clearly see the paths before you and choose the one you need to take, and leave all the previous hurt and bitterness behind. And on such a day, I chose what and how I wanted to be and now, I am looking forward to another day to know if I made the right choice by putting my decisions to test.

Moving on, as simple as it sounds, is never that way, for people like me. To me, integrity is of paramount importance. If it comes under the scanner, I feel shredded and totally out of place, and I am like a derailed train - unable to move. It takes a while to put things back on track, and once that is done, I arise, a new 'ME', putting the past aside, and rushing on, lest the world catches up with me.

Solitude

I cannot say if this is felt by many - I feel it, and when I do, I find myself totally lost and struggling to get my bearings and move forward. It is not so loud a feeling, not something you could expect someone common to understand. When it strikes you, you will know how scary this could be. The feeling is something like this - You are in a familiar place where everyone around you is familiar and you are on pretty much good terms with everybody around you. You are there, and suddenly, you feel lonely, like you are in a totally strange place. That's when something grips your mind and you feel like you are lost without your bearings and you fight to get your bearings and your course back.

Of late, a lot of strange things have been taking over me. Living in the vicinity of your workplace is not all that advantageous when you have a wandering mind. And mine is playing pranks on me, way too much and very frequently. And this is pushing me to new peaks with my breakdowns. Though the honest fact is that there is no body reasonably sound enough to see me through to the other side, I am trying hard to get there with someone I hope is good enough. And this combination is not worrking really fine, and it shows, in my discontent and persistent depression.

I sometimes wonder if I am ever so lonely that I have to give myself company all the time simply because I am so pathetic. I tell myself I am way too good to be the friend of someone nearby. I am way too choosy, that is an indisputable fact. And because of this thought, I sometimes feel others feel the same way about me too, like they are too good to be my friend.

I have a bitchiness about me when it comes to some people. Now, there is no one totally deserving the bitchiness in my about me, and the same can make me feel bitter for ages, which I do not desire. But then, this particular aspect is making an appearance now and then and playing spoilsport to my sensibility. There is only one person who means something to me, and the bitchiness is spilling on him now. Now, that is not a good sign, and I can see bad history repeating. Damage control has to be put in place, before much else is done.

The mind has taken the heart too in this wake of events. And this has led to such immensely heavy pangs of loneliness in my heart that my heart feels darn heavy when there is a slight hint of my being lonely.

I did nothing to deserve this, the world has nothing against me either. Then why do I feel things the way I do? I think it is simply explained. I look at things that way. There is a need to change my perspective. I should learn to be a grown up - a boring, blunt person who knows precious little but what he does and stuff associated with that. And what if I don't do that? I will simply be left behind.