I was having coffee with my colleagues when the most easygoing of them suddenly turned frigid and sensitive and began to act like a squid spilling ink. It was totally unexpected, and it was absolutely shocking. And that told me - I am not the only person prone to such sudden withdrawal symptoms.
My best dude and I were under the spell of a tough stretch. The cause - I felt his integrity was questionable. This was causing so much pain and strain, and coupled with the fact that he was having a pressing time with his work, he could not clear things up either. And finally, two days into silence, we broke ice. It was when that happened did I realise that I have stuff to tell him, some of which was way too sensitive and required way too much trust that he had to prove himself worthy to get it all.
Mood swings - are interred in my way of life. One moment, I am a sage, the next, I can be an ogre. I was never alone there either. My good friend also experiences such moments, though not as frequent as I.
I was born with a short fuse. At work, I realised that there are many people with shorter fuses than I, who got into severe fits of temper, some a lot worse than my worst. Hence, the bandwagon there is not a lonely one either.
I rely more on friends than on family - something that I hope will change. And many at work are on similar paths. I am not alone in that boat too.
All this brings into light the simple facts - Everyone has their set of emotions, some way too good or original, some mellowed and some, practically non-existent. Though no two people are entirely alike, two people can be alike in many aspects. And I am not the worst being on Earth, not yet. There is a long way to go to get to be that.
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Sinful
The other day, my friend and I took a little break at work. We wanted to pamper ourselves with dollops of ice cream. And it had been a while since I last ate some. I was starved of ice creams. And so was my friend. And this only increased our cravings for the sweet treat.So we hurried down the staircase to our cafeteria. And once at the ice cream counter, we were browsing through the flavors on display. After placing our orders and grabbing our cupfuls, we took our places and started our delicious promenade down the road to bliss with a panoramic view of a zillion flavors. And halfway past our own ice creams, we decided to taste the one owned by the other. Just as I was trying to enjoy the flavors in my friend's ice cream, she told me her opinion about mine - "My, it's so totally sinful".
And now, this incident set a train of thought running in my mind. And, as expected, it was about the recent turn of events, about my self, about how I saw the situations and how I wish to go about them. And here's the story.
There are too many sides to me, so many that even I have many to explore yet. I know people see me as a loony persona, but truth is, frankly, I don't care what they actually think of me. And though I may be a lot of things, a few words that best describe me are lonely, bitchy, scathed and scathing, I am not just that. Like everyone else around me, I got my set of faults, some of which I take in my stride and some of which I complain about and some of which I really yearn to change. To genuinely be my usual self does not take much effort. But I feel I need to change some stuff so I can better in those areas in which I feel I need to improve. Like the two sides of a coin, there are two ways to this - either to change my ways and get on with it or to change my perspective of things and get on with it. Either ways, it spells change, only that the latter is easier than the former and I believe it could leave a lasting impact on me. Who knows, I might retrospect again and find I need a new perspective again, and once I change anew, I might land in the same old place on the cycle again. In which event, I will most certainly be screwed. Now, this is a possible extreme thought, and hence, not to be considered.
Right now, I am an origami artist at work, where it concerns my relationships. I feel tired and a need for a whiff of freshness on that front. The answer to that, in origami, is to take my scissors and my papers, snip at them and cut some of them into beautiful masterpieces, after practising on a score of them. And of course, I will keep the masterpieces and discard the rest. And the untouched paper sheets will have their chance at the scissors soon, when the snipping and cutting will decide whether they will be in my bin or out of it. Also, I am looking very closely at my old pieces for any signs of wear. If there is, beyond repair, I would have no regrets when I discard those too. Well, it would never take much longer to make myself a new piece in the same fashion as the one I will be discarding - if not, why would I be the origami artist?
And among those I will keep will be the BFF I will ever value, all my life. Despite all his faults, he has so much in him that I simply adore. And despite him not being to me what I would like him to be, I do not mind, because he is merely being himself. And I love him that way.
And of those I wish to axe, will be one tall guy with supposedly stupid thoughts - like he could dupe me. To all such people, I have a lot to say - I may have a lot of love and attention to shower on so many others, but I have expectations on you too - I am not your mother to love you for free. There is some reciprocation everywhere and at any point in the relationship, which keeps it fuelled and running. The moment the fuel runs out and things come to a standstill, I will definitely feel I need to move on and I usually do. It is not entirely your fault, partly mine too, but the magic has become too trite and unexciting, so I have resorted to looking for it elsewhere.
Maybe the last bit made me sound like a total jerk, but that is exactly how I am. I need to be me, and that's what it takes for me to be me. I offer tons of love and all I expect back is a few grains of it. If you cannot give me back, I cannot give you any more.
Severe severing as it sounds, I need to make this clear. I am a Rolling Stone, I become tired of things way too early and I need a change very often. And perhaps that is why I never made any true friends. " A Rolling Stone gathers no moss" is the old adage, of which I am made example of. Bah! Like I even care!
And now, this incident set a train of thought running in my mind. And, as expected, it was about the recent turn of events, about my self, about how I saw the situations and how I wish to go about them. And here's the story.
There are too many sides to me, so many that even I have many to explore yet. I know people see me as a loony persona, but truth is, frankly, I don't care what they actually think of me. And though I may be a lot of things, a few words that best describe me are lonely, bitchy, scathed and scathing, I am not just that. Like everyone else around me, I got my set of faults, some of which I take in my stride and some of which I complain about and some of which I really yearn to change. To genuinely be my usual self does not take much effort. But I feel I need to change some stuff so I can better in those areas in which I feel I need to improve. Like the two sides of a coin, there are two ways to this - either to change my ways and get on with it or to change my perspective of things and get on with it. Either ways, it spells change, only that the latter is easier than the former and I believe it could leave a lasting impact on me. Who knows, I might retrospect again and find I need a new perspective again, and once I change anew, I might land in the same old place on the cycle again. In which event, I will most certainly be screwed. Now, this is a possible extreme thought, and hence, not to be considered.
Right now, I am an origami artist at work, where it concerns my relationships. I feel tired and a need for a whiff of freshness on that front. The answer to that, in origami, is to take my scissors and my papers, snip at them and cut some of them into beautiful masterpieces, after practising on a score of them. And of course, I will keep the masterpieces and discard the rest. And the untouched paper sheets will have their chance at the scissors soon, when the snipping and cutting will decide whether they will be in my bin or out of it. Also, I am looking very closely at my old pieces for any signs of wear. If there is, beyond repair, I would have no regrets when I discard those too. Well, it would never take much longer to make myself a new piece in the same fashion as the one I will be discarding - if not, why would I be the origami artist?
And among those I will keep will be the BFF I will ever value, all my life. Despite all his faults, he has so much in him that I simply adore. And despite him not being to me what I would like him to be, I do not mind, because he is merely being himself. And I love him that way.
And of those I wish to axe, will be one tall guy with supposedly stupid thoughts - like he could dupe me. To all such people, I have a lot to say - I may have a lot of love and attention to shower on so many others, but I have expectations on you too - I am not your mother to love you for free. There is some reciprocation everywhere and at any point in the relationship, which keeps it fuelled and running. The moment the fuel runs out and things come to a standstill, I will definitely feel I need to move on and I usually do. It is not entirely your fault, partly mine too, but the magic has become too trite and unexciting, so I have resorted to looking for it elsewhere.
Maybe the last bit made me sound like a total jerk, but that is exactly how I am. I need to be me, and that's what it takes for me to be me. I offer tons of love and all I expect back is a few grains of it. If you cannot give me back, I cannot give you any more.
Severe severing as it sounds, I need to make this clear. I am a Rolling Stone, I become tired of things way too early and I need a change very often. And perhaps that is why I never made any true friends. " A Rolling Stone gathers no moss" is the old adage, of which I am made example of. Bah! Like I even care!
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Bliss
Happiness lies in every moment. It remains for us to find it. And obscuring it, is nothing but perspective. I take happiness out of achievement, attaining something I would die for. Though this may be the case for many people, it is indisputably also the cause for many a worry.
Happiness - what could that mean anyway? It is tough to string words together to match that one word. And to reach there, albeit for a little while, will feel so much like you have got something that will last you your lifetime when you have it, but in its absence, one yearns for it.
This forms part of the cycle of life, and perspection controls it. It is truly disheartening to note how passion is severely impaired for want of happiness and by change in perspection. Truly devastating is an understatement to describe the extents to which the human mind would go to taste a drop of Happiness - from going insane over frivolous things to totally shifting its goals from what it always yearned to something totally unexpected to simply find happiness in its grasp. Even when it looks like Happiness is never going to be again, the hardening of ways to force them to be happy again the old way, all in vain, can be quite a source of repeated disappointment, each of which, in many cases, just gives people the wrong motive.
Happiness is ubiquitous. This is a thought that everybody misses, and consequentially, lose their faith in happiness. A simple explanation could be that people look forward to very big things to imbibe and exude happiness, when actually, they could do it where they are with every little thing that goes on around them.
Greed is the single big thief of the better perspective. Greed - how greedy can one get to turn happy! Overcoming greed is of essence in order that one may be happy for longer and more often. It is easy to put this in words, but it definitely costs an effort to put that in deeds. All said and done, bottomline is - kiss Greed goodbye.
Simple things that last a lifetime need to be our constant springs of youthful happiness rather than the big balloons of sporadic events which may occur infrequently and for a really very short time. This requires a careful choice in one's perspection. And that could be tiring too, but then, which of the good things is a cakewalk? For the juicier and better things in life, there is a lot of hard work involved. And the most one can do about it is get it started, take it one step at a time and keep at it till things definitely fall in place. And once that is done, there is simply nothing to stop anyone from attaining bliss like they never thought possible.
Happiness - what could that mean anyway? It is tough to string words together to match that one word. And to reach there, albeit for a little while, will feel so much like you have got something that will last you your lifetime when you have it, but in its absence, one yearns for it.
This forms part of the cycle of life, and perspection controls it. It is truly disheartening to note how passion is severely impaired for want of happiness and by change in perspection. Truly devastating is an understatement to describe the extents to which the human mind would go to taste a drop of Happiness - from going insane over frivolous things to totally shifting its goals from what it always yearned to something totally unexpected to simply find happiness in its grasp. Even when it looks like Happiness is never going to be again, the hardening of ways to force them to be happy again the old way, all in vain, can be quite a source of repeated disappointment, each of which, in many cases, just gives people the wrong motive.
Happiness is ubiquitous. This is a thought that everybody misses, and consequentially, lose their faith in happiness. A simple explanation could be that people look forward to very big things to imbibe and exude happiness, when actually, they could do it where they are with every little thing that goes on around them.
Greed is the single big thief of the better perspective. Greed - how greedy can one get to turn happy! Overcoming greed is of essence in order that one may be happy for longer and more often. It is easy to put this in words, but it definitely costs an effort to put that in deeds. All said and done, bottomline is - kiss Greed goodbye.
Simple things that last a lifetime need to be our constant springs of youthful happiness rather than the big balloons of sporadic events which may occur infrequently and for a really very short time. This requires a careful choice in one's perspection. And that could be tiring too, but then, which of the good things is a cakewalk? For the juicier and better things in life, there is a lot of hard work involved. And the most one can do about it is get it started, take it one step at a time and keep at it till things definitely fall in place. And once that is done, there is simply nothing to stop anyone from attaining bliss like they never thought possible.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Reflections
I take a look at myself in the mirror. I do not admire the way I look right now. I look at it to look at the way I looked ages ago, when I could have gone on a strut showing off my many looks. And it makes me wonder if I want to go back in time to those periods when I never endured loneliness or whether I would rather carry myself forward in life in a quest to conquer my loneliness.
It is a wonder how I even passed through my childhood. I was always with my nanny, at least till my 12th. And she was always telling me her dream of making me a 'Jilla Collector', a post she would have definitely wanted to see her son in. But then, she did not live to see the day I wrote my exams - she passed on just before my first exam in the school ending phase. And then, I felt bad that she would not live to see her dreams or mine come true. But then, how often have we never seen things we hope from our deepest insides to see, especially with someone who has been there with us since we were babes in the world, our eyes just open to the mask of the world?
Ever since I never felt an ounce of loneliness for a really long time. Till someone came along. He erased all my troubles from the checkered past. He gave me a shoulder to lean on, and a lot of emotional support. I gave him a little of that when he was in great need of it, and he returned the favour manifold, and he was selfless in not expecting much from me. I have a gut feeling that in those troubled days when I was being torn at from home, he kept me together in a piece, else I would have definitely torn into rags. And as expected, I became too steamy to have a hold on, too much to handle and too much for his size, so he had to decide for his self for now and he did - he chose to move on, after giving me the best days of my life.
That is when loneliness hit me like pangs of starvation. I could not be myself with anyone else soon after that. I was not able to gather myself on time for many stuff and I lost a lot of turf to people I would have definitely kept off my grounds. I was distraught. And that was when someone else took his turn to be the sun in my skies and my moon at night. He was quite well-known to me from earlier on, but he chose this time to shine in my life. And he was good at his game. All he wanted me to be was - not be a sulker, but someone who could save a friend from sulking, someone who could stand on his own feet and not feel lonely or bad about what someone else did to him. And beyond all that, a bigger person, someone he could confide his greatest troubles with and whom he could be a good listener to. And things improved from that point on, so much so that he could be really good to me and got close enough to being the Sun in my life - but I never felt his real worth was good enough to be just that to me. He was good - but not good enough. He had charm, but was not charming enough. He could not get me glowing, the way the Sun actually could. He stirred some stuff in me the same way as the Sun, he stirred a few stuff much better than the Sun did, but then, he could never make me feel like I was basking under him.
It has been many days since the ice has been broken. I guess I have to get on with life without the Sun, with what and whom I have, and with my self to change. The past has passed, and has rendered many things inconsequential. The present is at hand to make the future a better place for me. And all I have to do about it, is to grasp every opportunity that the present gives me, utilize it to the extent I possibly could, marvel at the result, and get on with life, to the next opportunity.
It is a wonder how I even passed through my childhood. I was always with my nanny, at least till my 12th. And she was always telling me her dream of making me a 'Jilla Collector', a post she would have definitely wanted to see her son in. But then, she did not live to see the day I wrote my exams - she passed on just before my first exam in the school ending phase. And then, I felt bad that she would not live to see her dreams or mine come true. But then, how often have we never seen things we hope from our deepest insides to see, especially with someone who has been there with us since we were babes in the world, our eyes just open to the mask of the world?
Ever since I never felt an ounce of loneliness for a really long time. Till someone came along. He erased all my troubles from the checkered past. He gave me a shoulder to lean on, and a lot of emotional support. I gave him a little of that when he was in great need of it, and he returned the favour manifold, and he was selfless in not expecting much from me. I have a gut feeling that in those troubled days when I was being torn at from home, he kept me together in a piece, else I would have definitely torn into rags. And as expected, I became too steamy to have a hold on, too much to handle and too much for his size, so he had to decide for his self for now and he did - he chose to move on, after giving me the best days of my life.
That is when loneliness hit me like pangs of starvation. I could not be myself with anyone else soon after that. I was not able to gather myself on time for many stuff and I lost a lot of turf to people I would have definitely kept off my grounds. I was distraught. And that was when someone else took his turn to be the sun in my skies and my moon at night. He was quite well-known to me from earlier on, but he chose this time to shine in my life. And he was good at his game. All he wanted me to be was - not be a sulker, but someone who could save a friend from sulking, someone who could stand on his own feet and not feel lonely or bad about what someone else did to him. And beyond all that, a bigger person, someone he could confide his greatest troubles with and whom he could be a good listener to. And things improved from that point on, so much so that he could be really good to me and got close enough to being the Sun in my life - but I never felt his real worth was good enough to be just that to me. He was good - but not good enough. He had charm, but was not charming enough. He could not get me glowing, the way the Sun actually could. He stirred some stuff in me the same way as the Sun, he stirred a few stuff much better than the Sun did, but then, he could never make me feel like I was basking under him.
It has been many days since the ice has been broken. I guess I have to get on with life without the Sun, with what and whom I have, and with my self to change. The past has passed, and has rendered many things inconsequential. The present is at hand to make the future a better place for me. And all I have to do about it, is to grasp every opportunity that the present gives me, utilize it to the extent I possibly could, marvel at the result, and get on with life, to the next opportunity.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Possessed
I have a feeling that there is a person in me pulling at all my strings. It is not a very nice person, not someone I like. I have sensed a lot of bitterness on the person and I would do anything to get the person out of me. I simply do not know why other guy-guy relationships are like ships sailing on calm seas all the time, but the same cannot be the case with me. I feel things that people have pointed out as things I should not be feeling and there are things I feel not which I should be tender about. And I can never call someone my friend unless they have been around for a really long time and I have been 'ok' with them all the time. Of course there have been exceptions to that, but very few of that. I have been this way ever since I was a kid, I believe and I hope I change some of these things before I see the grave, if I ever do. And I see through the eyes of the person in me, not with my own, which is also the cause of many disturbances.
I mean, imagine yourself doing a lot of things quite in a flow and regretting the stuff you did later. Also, having two trains of thoughts running at the same time, more likely on a collision course with each other - let me tell you, is an explosive idea. It is tough to juggle between the two and pay adequate respect to the two, but then, when you know for certain that one is always right and the other is often so, and yet you do not know which one to choose for yourself, it is complete chaos. Imagine a mad bull in a delicate china shop. That is an understatement of what one would feel when faced with such a choice.
I love the way I am, most of the time. The turbulent times are caused by a switch in the train of thought, I am made to believe. One train is very calm, composed, does not pine for company and loves to care for people in a selfless manner. The other one, in contrast, needs a human companion to pamper me, is very excited about people and not other things of life, selfish and possessive about one person about whom it is totally attached to and cares not for the rest of the world.
Either way of being me is good enough, satiating in its own way and unsettling too, at times, also each in its own way. Point of the issue is, being either way feels like me for a while, but the feeling wears away in a while and I feel left behind, so I switch to my other perspective. And in the process, I am forced to leave people I know behind, and move on to new people. A reason I never make (made) any friends for life. Everyone had to move away in a different direction when I changed phases.
I simply am too much to handle for just about anyone that ever walked on Earth, especially in my life. With that in mind, I simply wish to understand and know, who on Earth could ever stand me to impact me enough to stay with me through all my highs and lows through two different trains of thought.
I mean, imagine yourself doing a lot of things quite in a flow and regretting the stuff you did later. Also, having two trains of thoughts running at the same time, more likely on a collision course with each other - let me tell you, is an explosive idea. It is tough to juggle between the two and pay adequate respect to the two, but then, when you know for certain that one is always right and the other is often so, and yet you do not know which one to choose for yourself, it is complete chaos. Imagine a mad bull in a delicate china shop. That is an understatement of what one would feel when faced with such a choice.
I love the way I am, most of the time. The turbulent times are caused by a switch in the train of thought, I am made to believe. One train is very calm, composed, does not pine for company and loves to care for people in a selfless manner. The other one, in contrast, needs a human companion to pamper me, is very excited about people and not other things of life, selfish and possessive about one person about whom it is totally attached to and cares not for the rest of the world.
Either way of being me is good enough, satiating in its own way and unsettling too, at times, also each in its own way. Point of the issue is, being either way feels like me for a while, but the feeling wears away in a while and I feel left behind, so I switch to my other perspective. And in the process, I am forced to leave people I know behind, and move on to new people. A reason I never make (made) any friends for life. Everyone had to move away in a different direction when I changed phases.
I simply am too much to handle for just about anyone that ever walked on Earth, especially in my life. With that in mind, I simply wish to understand and know, who on Earth could ever stand me to impact me enough to stay with me through all my highs and lows through two different trains of thought.
Vibrations
The ripple effect is the more appropriate name, I think. It is how the happiness experienced by a single person in a group impacts the others and gets them to react too. There are many instances of the ripple effect in all our lives - many of which we have sourced. The ripple effect is also important in many of our lives - it gives us new connections and it also tells us how our existing connections are. I think we are all totally agreed when I say that if one can be as happy as me when I tell him something good that has happened to me, I can say that we are well bonded and we can totally experience what the other person is feeling.
Vibrations play a key role in helping us know ourselves in the face of others and in knowing how we stand with others. And without them, we would never understand who and how we really are. Think of a still puddle into which a stone is dropped. The puddle really gets the vibe from the stone dropping into it and the ripples that arise cause smaller ripples upon hitting upon obstacles and in a short while, there is a frenzy on the water surface. This is very similar to how the vibrations in our life act and behave too.
Animals are best at receiving vibrations from us and reacting to them. I wonder if anyone with a pet has ever not noticed that. Dogs and cats - they react with us. When we feel too low, the dog or the cat stay with us and give us a much needed vent to flush out all the sadness and badness in us. The same happens when we are angry, excited or in rupture. It is a wonder how short sighted we may be before the pets. At times, they are more human and we, more animal.
BFF - Best Friend Forever - is not as happening these days. I wonder if my BFF even understands me. I like so many things, so many people. He says I should like some things better and not like some things as much as I do. I wonder if he even knows me for who and what I really am and not as someone he knows in his mind - I mean, he can expect me to do things for him, but I cannot be what he thinks of me, fat chance of that! And he is my only BFF, so I cannot brush what he says ever so lightly - this is where the strain has crept in. We barely see each other these days, because we work like 700 km away from each other. And our conversations on the phone are not all high and peppy as they used to be, with all the excitement drained, simply because he wants me to be a person I do not see myself as. And we take turns going to our parents' places, so we miss each other always, unless there is a festival that weekend. Despite that, we keep a straight face whenever we happen before the other and we totally appreciate things one does for the other. It takes a while to see there is a strain on us, really. Sometimes we sidestep some topics in our conversations to prevent silent time on the phone - it feels awkward and awful. It is even more grotesque when the topic is pulled up - we will speak at the same time and wait for the other to speak too, at the same time. So, either the both of us would speak at once or the both of us would be silent at once. Too bad the both of us are having this in us. I sometimes wish the hindrances be removed and I respond quite well when he says something.
But then. We are humans. We define our selves and our boundaries and we play within them. How much more wonderful my life would have been if my accomplices, BFF, my friends and I have always been selfless and caring as the pets?
Vibrations play a key role in helping us know ourselves in the face of others and in knowing how we stand with others. And without them, we would never understand who and how we really are. Think of a still puddle into which a stone is dropped. The puddle really gets the vibe from the stone dropping into it and the ripples that arise cause smaller ripples upon hitting upon obstacles and in a short while, there is a frenzy on the water surface. This is very similar to how the vibrations in our life act and behave too.
Animals are best at receiving vibrations from us and reacting to them. I wonder if anyone with a pet has ever not noticed that. Dogs and cats - they react with us. When we feel too low, the dog or the cat stay with us and give us a much needed vent to flush out all the sadness and badness in us. The same happens when we are angry, excited or in rupture. It is a wonder how short sighted we may be before the pets. At times, they are more human and we, more animal.
BFF - Best Friend Forever - is not as happening these days. I wonder if my BFF even understands me. I like so many things, so many people. He says I should like some things better and not like some things as much as I do. I wonder if he even knows me for who and what I really am and not as someone he knows in his mind - I mean, he can expect me to do things for him, but I cannot be what he thinks of me, fat chance of that! And he is my only BFF, so I cannot brush what he says ever so lightly - this is where the strain has crept in. We barely see each other these days, because we work like 700 km away from each other. And our conversations on the phone are not all high and peppy as they used to be, with all the excitement drained, simply because he wants me to be a person I do not see myself as. And we take turns going to our parents' places, so we miss each other always, unless there is a festival that weekend. Despite that, we keep a straight face whenever we happen before the other and we totally appreciate things one does for the other. It takes a while to see there is a strain on us, really. Sometimes we sidestep some topics in our conversations to prevent silent time on the phone - it feels awkward and awful. It is even more grotesque when the topic is pulled up - we will speak at the same time and wait for the other to speak too, at the same time. So, either the both of us would speak at once or the both of us would be silent at once. Too bad the both of us are having this in us. I sometimes wish the hindrances be removed and I respond quite well when he says something.
But then. We are humans. We define our selves and our boundaries and we play within them. How much more wonderful my life would have been if my accomplices, BFF, my friends and I have always been selfless and caring as the pets?
Friday, February 12, 2010
Stupidity
There have been many instances. Too many in fact, that I wonder why I let history repeat itself, and not learn from it instead.
I think this is a very prevalent scene in anybody's life. Some friction comes up from somewhere, the people in a relationship feel the weight of the other's silence over a brief misconduct. And then, they stop smiling at each other when they see each other on their way to work, while picking groceries at the corner store, when their companion strikes up a conversation - they feel so uneasy in the other's presence they wish the other was simply a fragment of the other's imagination - a ghost they see in their mind. And gradually, time wears away, leaving all the channels of communication unused and eventually, forgotten.
The mere mention of the name would elicit different reactions at different stages of the regrettable collapse of a blissful relationship. Initially, it would elicit an emotion out of confusion, which would be the reaction that the person would feel very strongly and justify the reaction to fool themselves into feeling right. This is the first step to a successful crunch on the relationship. Later on, a story would be made in the mind that would justify why the person felt the crunch on the relationship based on the reaction in the first stage. The story would seem so true that the mind believes things happened that way. And this means the next stage is very close at hand. There is a parting of ways that offers a choice between a feeling of boiling rage or of sweet memories staling in vinegar. Either ways, the subject in question misses the other person a lot. He remembers the person close to his heart or by his repeated attempts to stop thinking about him. Through all this, he would rather not talk to him but make up a good list of reasons why he is justified by his silence. From then on, the silence grows till it devours every ounce of the rage or renders the memories vapid in their essence. And this is the point where the last traces of the relationship totally disappear.
The duress of this long journey from the sowing to the uprooting will definitely be a couple of years at the least, and could go on to a decade. There are instances where the bitterness that set in stayed till Death took a half of the relationship with it and aggrieved the other half before she could claim it too. The individual's ego is another thing to consider - it gives an ant the image of an elephant. And people, given a little ego, tend to think about the bigger superfluous things rather than the smaller essential things. This gives them a thought train that justifies their high headed ways, trashy as they might be. There are others who are devoid of ego. They feel betrayed and feel like the face between their ears is totally out of place wherever they may be. At places where the meek person and the other half are present, the meek guy plans it somehow to avoid the other person by all means. His means would be to be at the venue at a different time, merging in with the walls at the venue, clinging to a new group of friends or something more desperate. And though all these things may be happening, the other half may not feel a thing amiss - simply because he did not notice, but the meek guy would call him a brick, because he thinks him insensitive to his emotions.
Enough crap about all the break ups and their possible causes. There ought to be a way to set things straight. What could it possibly be?
It is a very simple thing - WORDS.
That's right, words are what people can use to mend their brokenness and be whole again. It is very simple to start with, but to get to the start is a tough thing for people to do - people are more willing to be bull in a china shop kind of people rather than the sane six sensed creations of God. Relationships are about people. People are to be good to each other. At times, it may seem terrible, but then, everyone should ask themselves if what they are doing is right and justifiable in an unselfish uncategorized manner, to get to the bottom of things. And once at the bottom of things, all it takes is a lot of patience, a pinch each of understanding, sensibility and reason and a knowledge of how the person on the other end was worth so much, why his personal worth and why the relationship carried on for so long. Anyone will vouch for me when I say, the large lacuna that crept in between the two halves of a relationship and bore the ill effects of it for so long will never realize how soon it could be filled up and how easily so unless one of them makes the first move. The empty space would simply remove so much bliss and goodness from your days, unless you fill it up.
Why need we patch up? This is not a worthy question from a human being, a man. Man lives on Earth, man needs company. All on Earth need someone to trudge the days along with, to get on with life, to talk to, to share feelings with, to stay beside them through their highs and lows, to listen to, to be there when in need and to be needed. I think the phases a relationship goes through are from the first meeting and from there, down the road. When we meet someone in life and meet them again, chances are, we may meet them more often in the near future and we foster a relationship so we are not lonely. People are assets, not material assets, but assets. And they are meant to be kept close to the heart and not played around with. Why, you ask? Simple - people got feelings as much as you do, and if you are a brick, then people around you got more feelings than you do. Also, people are the only assets that you get to keep from life, till after death - who knows, the person next to you playing the harp in Heaven could be the grocery store keeper you barely knew or the person in the cauldron before you could be your blast from the past. Wherever we go, we need people we could connect with and share our highs and lows. If you don't believe in afterlife, then may be you will find me justified when I say you may need someone to socialize with once you turn old and grumpy, people you are on good terms with and with whom you can definitely be yourself and not behind a mask. If not, then what is the point in you living for all the time you have?
Of course, people are not all that neat to all of us. We are misfits in a world of misfits. Nobody is Perfection personified. Bearing that in mind, we build on our relationships. And expectations from people around us can hurt us so bad when they are not met or fulfilled. And so, we need to learn to expect much less than what our mind tells us to. And people may feel other levels of emotions towards other people, many times much higher than what they shower on us. Here, a touch of understanding is required to realize that they are people, not our pets, and that what they feel towards others is not our concern, but whether we choose to express our emotions towards them and feel comfortable with how they are within our control and we should exercise a lot of self control with people, at least when the alarm goes off about excessive emotions. Any of us is not above another among us, as human beings. And respect for another human being, is required if we are to keep good ties with people. Then again, there is a question of compatibility - people never see eye to eye on many things and are often juggernauting into unwelcome sections of the life. There are times when we need to know to draw the line and never turn back. Simply because it does not work fine always. Some people are simply not worth what we are, and once we question our innermost selves and are very certain about it, we can tell ourselves and if necessary, the person involved a 'N O - NO' and move on with our lives. At any stage through all this, taking stock of the situation, doing an introspection and making the right decision is key to our own peace of mind, which we should never jeopardize under any circumstances.
Remember, people are assets and should never be harmed, ego is bad, retrospect and figure out what you are feeling, change it when necessary, make the first move when you sense something amiss and never let someone suffer because of you. And when you are all to certain that it is indeed time to let go, let go.
Final note - play it safe
I think this is a very prevalent scene in anybody's life. Some friction comes up from somewhere, the people in a relationship feel the weight of the other's silence over a brief misconduct. And then, they stop smiling at each other when they see each other on their way to work, while picking groceries at the corner store, when their companion strikes up a conversation - they feel so uneasy in the other's presence they wish the other was simply a fragment of the other's imagination - a ghost they see in their mind. And gradually, time wears away, leaving all the channels of communication unused and eventually, forgotten.
The mere mention of the name would elicit different reactions at different stages of the regrettable collapse of a blissful relationship. Initially, it would elicit an emotion out of confusion, which would be the reaction that the person would feel very strongly and justify the reaction to fool themselves into feeling right. This is the first step to a successful crunch on the relationship. Later on, a story would be made in the mind that would justify why the person felt the crunch on the relationship based on the reaction in the first stage. The story would seem so true that the mind believes things happened that way. And this means the next stage is very close at hand. There is a parting of ways that offers a choice between a feeling of boiling rage or of sweet memories staling in vinegar. Either ways, the subject in question misses the other person a lot. He remembers the person close to his heart or by his repeated attempts to stop thinking about him. Through all this, he would rather not talk to him but make up a good list of reasons why he is justified by his silence. From then on, the silence grows till it devours every ounce of the rage or renders the memories vapid in their essence. And this is the point where the last traces of the relationship totally disappear.
The duress of this long journey from the sowing to the uprooting will definitely be a couple of years at the least, and could go on to a decade. There are instances where the bitterness that set in stayed till Death took a half of the relationship with it and aggrieved the other half before she could claim it too. The individual's ego is another thing to consider - it gives an ant the image of an elephant. And people, given a little ego, tend to think about the bigger superfluous things rather than the smaller essential things. This gives them a thought train that justifies their high headed ways, trashy as they might be. There are others who are devoid of ego. They feel betrayed and feel like the face between their ears is totally out of place wherever they may be. At places where the meek person and the other half are present, the meek guy plans it somehow to avoid the other person by all means. His means would be to be at the venue at a different time, merging in with the walls at the venue, clinging to a new group of friends or something more desperate. And though all these things may be happening, the other half may not feel a thing amiss - simply because he did not notice, but the meek guy would call him a brick, because he thinks him insensitive to his emotions.
Enough crap about all the break ups and their possible causes. There ought to be a way to set things straight. What could it possibly be?
It is a very simple thing - WORDS.
That's right, words are what people can use to mend their brokenness and be whole again. It is very simple to start with, but to get to the start is a tough thing for people to do - people are more willing to be bull in a china shop kind of people rather than the sane six sensed creations of God. Relationships are about people. People are to be good to each other. At times, it may seem terrible, but then, everyone should ask themselves if what they are doing is right and justifiable in an unselfish uncategorized manner, to get to the bottom of things. And once at the bottom of things, all it takes is a lot of patience, a pinch each of understanding, sensibility and reason and a knowledge of how the person on the other end was worth so much, why his personal worth and why the relationship carried on for so long. Anyone will vouch for me when I say, the large lacuna that crept in between the two halves of a relationship and bore the ill effects of it for so long will never realize how soon it could be filled up and how easily so unless one of them makes the first move. The empty space would simply remove so much bliss and goodness from your days, unless you fill it up.
Why need we patch up? This is not a worthy question from a human being, a man. Man lives on Earth, man needs company. All on Earth need someone to trudge the days along with, to get on with life, to talk to, to share feelings with, to stay beside them through their highs and lows, to listen to, to be there when in need and to be needed. I think the phases a relationship goes through are from the first meeting and from there, down the road. When we meet someone in life and meet them again, chances are, we may meet them more often in the near future and we foster a relationship so we are not lonely. People are assets, not material assets, but assets. And they are meant to be kept close to the heart and not played around with. Why, you ask? Simple - people got feelings as much as you do, and if you are a brick, then people around you got more feelings than you do. Also, people are the only assets that you get to keep from life, till after death - who knows, the person next to you playing the harp in Heaven could be the grocery store keeper you barely knew or the person in the cauldron before you could be your blast from the past. Wherever we go, we need people we could connect with and share our highs and lows. If you don't believe in afterlife, then may be you will find me justified when I say you may need someone to socialize with once you turn old and grumpy, people you are on good terms with and with whom you can definitely be yourself and not behind a mask. If not, then what is the point in you living for all the time you have?
Of course, people are not all that neat to all of us. We are misfits in a world of misfits. Nobody is Perfection personified. Bearing that in mind, we build on our relationships. And expectations from people around us can hurt us so bad when they are not met or fulfilled. And so, we need to learn to expect much less than what our mind tells us to. And people may feel other levels of emotions towards other people, many times much higher than what they shower on us. Here, a touch of understanding is required to realize that they are people, not our pets, and that what they feel towards others is not our concern, but whether we choose to express our emotions towards them and feel comfortable with how they are within our control and we should exercise a lot of self control with people, at least when the alarm goes off about excessive emotions. Any of us is not above another among us, as human beings. And respect for another human being, is required if we are to keep good ties with people. Then again, there is a question of compatibility - people never see eye to eye on many things and are often juggernauting into unwelcome sections of the life. There are times when we need to know to draw the line and never turn back. Simply because it does not work fine always. Some people are simply not worth what we are, and once we question our innermost selves and are very certain about it, we can tell ourselves and if necessary, the person involved a 'N O - NO' and move on with our lives. At any stage through all this, taking stock of the situation, doing an introspection and making the right decision is key to our own peace of mind, which we should never jeopardize under any circumstances.
Remember, people are assets and should never be harmed, ego is bad, retrospect and figure out what you are feeling, change it when necessary, make the first move when you sense something amiss and never let someone suffer because of you. And when you are all to certain that it is indeed time to let go, let go.
Final note - play it safe
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Pandemonium
There are several voices in my head. And a banshi under my skin.
I believe these are the two reasons I could possibly come up with for all the stupid, innocent, coldly calculated, wavering things that I do and say. I simply am not an individual with regular characteristics. I have a noir past and I have several skeletons in my cupboard.
I value many virtues - love, trust, loyalty, to name a few. As much as I expect people around me to be these things, I am honest when I say I will never be as good at these as they are, but will reciprocate, over time, the same feelings they shower me with, maybe to a greater degree. But as I progress on the road to the destination which is closeness, I have a tendency to lay a claim on the person, which is that point at which the person in many ways 'belongs to me'. I simply do not know why I am like this, but this is the way I am. And at this point, for every frivolous misgiving, I throw a huge ruckus and expect to be pampered. Beyond a point, when things seem boring, I begin to lose interest in the person and finally, I move on. This makes me a not-so-good person, but then, I do not know how I came to be one. At all the steps in the way, I hear so many things in my head, some louder and totally crappy, the rest quieter yet very sensible. And that is when I forget my self and I go on to do things beside myself, in an almost drunken vigor.
It is totally like I am so many people within my head, some so better than the rest. I have no clue as to why I am this way, but I was told by my best dude ever that everyone is permitted their own degree of madness, which may exhibit itself in some manifestation, sometimes seen, as in my case, and in many others, unseen.
Despite the description of my self, the way I become when I am with someone I could like a lot is never always as destructive as I meant it out to be. There are several people whom I can name who have remained close to me for as long as I can remember. But then, I was never like this always.
I was always a loner, but I never felt lonely. I had means to keep my self thinking of bigger better things that kept me going. Something must have happened, I cannot recollect what, that made me crave for human company, for which I never had a flair for. Ever since, the voices in my head. And the bitchiness in me.
The banshi is how I am, I believe. And what I am outside, is just plain skin and looks, neither as good as can be. To sum it up - I am the banshi.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Woes on a Platter
I have a lot to say, but I am going to be to the point to the extent possible because I am simply too tired and it is nearly 1 am. I am a totally messed up person. The Date - 10 Feb 2010 - will burn forever in the depths of me. This is the day on which the person closest to me at this phase of life proved to me how much he trusted me. I do not intend to sound accusing, but if it be so, so be it.
I have a very queer mind, one that goes on to think about an issue others would discard as frivolous to great depths till it is so totally obsessed about the thoughts surrounding the issue, that it fails to rise up to other demanding occasions when the situation demands it. And these thoughts are so overpowering, that they consume most of the thinking faculties of my head for most of the time till I lose all the ability to get things done and I need someone to confide in, which invariably leads to the next woe - and if you guessed people, you guessed right.
In my 21 years on Mother Earth, I have never seen as diverse an enigma as people. So many kinds, so many people. To name a few, there are the bold ones and the timid one, the brave ones and the cowardly ones, the bossy ones and the push overs, the boastful ones and the modest ones, and of course, the tall ones, the short ones, the thin ones, the fat ones, the jittery ones - the list is bottomless. It is indeed difficult to understand how people get together and manage to stick their necks for each other despite all their differences. In all my 21 years, I have met so many different people, of which I would consider myself lucky if I could count the ones I really liked with my fingers and toes - but a score of people would never be enough for anyone to get by the tempest that is life. For in distress, we go about looking for shoulders to lean on and find none - not one among the 20 pairs of shoulders we counted on. And people are truly filled to their neck with their convictions and silly principles abound in them. They expect everyone else but them to give them an ear when they are crying out in distress and share a laugh with them for all their not-so-funny jokes. You cry out, you will realize you are all alone in the universe. And more so, the people around you, they seem to know you, but in truth, they have known you as well as they have learnt about the moon. And to think of people, in my mind, would be thinking of sacs with arms, legs and a head, filled with fart that the head utters out in words.
This brings us to the tools that establish, maintain and uproot the bonds between people - W O R D S. They are simply arrows with the arrowheads dipped in poison. They work like magic for those who slap them on people like you slap butter on bread and spread it. For some, they work like the bed of needles that work for the fakir. For some others, they are supposedly the balm that heals their wounds, only that they never realize that the balm is in preparation for greater hurt on their skin. How sweet every word that falls in one's ears and how closer to diabetes it pushes the listener! So terribly sickening, that the usage of words is expected to be done with a lot of caution exercised and the usage, very minimal, so that any damage, if caused, is, as a result, jusqu'un peu.
Why am I saying all this?
Simplest reason to that would be - I am frustrated with my mind, with people and with words. I am sick and tired of having to listen to the words uttered by the people that get to work on my mind.
Any why am I bothered?
Some say I have a kind heart, others say I tend to think a lot about so many things concerning people I like - what a load of balderdash! I am bothered because I am being me!
And why should people say no to me being me?
The answer is - I do NOT know! I love me being me, but others do not. Does that mean I have to consider becoming someone else just so the person gets in better terms with me? Absolutely not! It's my life and I am not switching my self for what someone wants my self to be, in order to please somebody.
Now, why am I frustrated despite my accurate knowledge about all that is me?
I cannot put a finger as to why this particular question can be given no answer from me, so my best guess could be, that it is a part of me being my self.
Now ain't that enough cause for me to stop the grumbling and get going? Why am I not doing that?
That's easily answered - this is because of my mind, again.
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