Identity

Identity - it's something we really need one to get by every single moment we live and love. Everybody needs one to get by through the day and through the times, thick and thin, jolly and sad, night and day. We thoroughly enjoy having it. We need it so bad, that when it is threatened a bit, we really freak out. As much as anyone needs it, I do too. Only that I did not have an independent identity, mine was shared with someone I really valued. He was a charm. He could make me feel good about myself. He could handle me, though not with finesse. He could make me feel wanted and had me hooked on him and had me thinking he needed me too. I liked spending time with him, and I thought he felt likewise with me. I love beaches. I think he loved taking me to those and spending time with me there. Anyone who knew one of us knew the other. And whenever people spoke with me, they asked me about him as well. It started out as two people talking to each other because they had nobody else to open up to. But it soon grew up from there. Not very long after, it turned into calls everyday to fill the other up on what one did or faced during the day. There was a lot of chiding and kidding and later, sharing secrets and trust set in. There was an agreement struck mutually - that one could call the other up for no reason and we could go on and on. I can only say that I valued this relationship a lot. I yearned to listen to his voice everyday. It kept me alive above life. And that made me feel so good. I really cared a lot about him - above the average amount I cared about anybody. I cared a lot. There is only one other person in my life about whom I have thought the world of, in comparison to what I thought here. Things took a spin when we graduated from college and joined the same company. That's when we started taking to each other a lot, more because we knew each other and did not have to hold back. And then, the cracks started to appear. I started feeling the trust was in jeopardy over time. It was a bad start and very rudely startling. The guy seemingly was very shallow and not the rooted rooting person I perceived him to be. It made me feel bad that I fell for someone's cheap tricks, and thinking about that made me feel worse. I simply could not see how I made friends with this person. He had some degree of madness too. He could only think of females and drool all over himself thinking about them. And he had his mind so filled with them that he would never think of anyone without boobies. To know him like that was revolting. He was simply not the person I knew. And it made me feel he was faking everything around me. For someone who could be reached by me at any time I pleased to, I had to know my boundaries whenever his best friend, a sailor, came home and so, in those times, I had to forgive the way he forgot me altogether, and completely failed to acknowledge me whenever I tried to reach out to him. And then came the times when he was moved to a different work spot, by which we completely lost the facility to see each other every day and so tried to make it during weekends. The distance had its way on us. We soon became immersed in things which interested (job for me, family for him) and we exchanged words everyday. But we were drifting and still trying hard to keep together. He had the girl distractions then too. And it is no secret that my respect for him was on the decline as well. Later on, irritation crept in. One of us could get easily pissed off when the other person was not around and we could turn to screaming and yelling at the other person. Things turned very bleak when for 3 months I had to hear from him that I was a crazy hoot every single day, every single time he called me. It really affected me. I began losing my identity at this point and was feeling very vulnerable. It put to doubt every single feeling I had for this one person who meant a real lot to me and had seen me at some point in the past through really heart-crumbling times. I was puzzled, hurt, vulnerable and weak. I did not know how to handle it since I always had someone to help me out anytime I was faced with something like this. I tried to put it at the very back of my mind by trying hard to stop talking to him and getting him out of my life, but he was always there right at the point where I thought we were done, wanting me back and for me to have him back in my life. And I yielded. It happened in cycles for some weeks, but one night, he revealed to me that he had been sending dirty texts to some people and I really felt it was the last straw. I saw red. I felt like I had been very badly misled. I also believed that I had brought this on myself since despite all the sourness we went through, I worked to pull things together. It became very apparent that I was keeping myself busy with a Sysiphean task that simply was not yielding anything. I had to make up my mind about it, stick to what I think and move on. And that's the point wherein I made up my own identity, distinct and all for myself, that I would not have to share with anyone else. So that with one such, I could keep myself together and not put myself through a lot.