Solitude

I cannot say if this is felt by many - I feel it, and when I do, I find myself totally lost and struggling to get my bearings and move forward. It is not so loud a feeling, not something you could expect someone common to understand. When it strikes you, you will know how scary this could be. The feeling is something like this - You are in a familiar place where everyone around you is familiar and you are on pretty much good terms with everybody around you. You are there, and suddenly, you feel lonely, like you are in a totally strange place. That's when something grips your mind and you feel like you are lost without your bearings and you fight to get your bearings and your course back.

Of late, a lot of strange things have been taking over me. Living in the vicinity of your workplace is not all that advantageous when you have a wandering mind. And mine is playing pranks on me, way too much and very frequently. And this is pushing me to new peaks with my breakdowns. Though the honest fact is that there is no body reasonably sound enough to see me through to the other side, I am trying hard to get there with someone I hope is good enough. And this combination is not worrking really fine, and it shows, in my discontent and persistent depression.

I sometimes wonder if I am ever so lonely that I have to give myself company all the time simply because I am so pathetic. I tell myself I am way too good to be the friend of someone nearby. I am way too choosy, that is an indisputable fact. And because of this thought, I sometimes feel others feel the same way about me too, like they are too good to be my friend.

I have a bitchiness about me when it comes to some people. Now, there is no one totally deserving the bitchiness in my about me, and the same can make me feel bitter for ages, which I do not desire. But then, this particular aspect is making an appearance now and then and playing spoilsport to my sensibility. There is only one person who means something to me, and the bitchiness is spilling on him now. Now, that is not a good sign, and I can see bad history repeating. Damage control has to be put in place, before much else is done.

The mind has taken the heart too in this wake of events. And this has led to such immensely heavy pangs of loneliness in my heart that my heart feels darn heavy when there is a slight hint of my being lonely.

I did nothing to deserve this, the world has nothing against me either. Then why do I feel things the way I do? I think it is simply explained. I look at things that way. There is a need to change my perspective. I should learn to be a grown up - a boring, blunt person who knows precious little but what he does and stuff associated with that. And what if I don't do that? I will simply be left behind.